Friday, December 17, 2010

Computer Breakdown

Remember when people use to crack wise ("crack wise" is a term I learned from our ultimate teacher, the tee and vee) with an insult to your appearance while having your picture taken?  They would say, "I hope your face doesn't break the camera."  I really doubt if anyone's face broke the camera but then again maybe some did.  Of course, I would never make those kinds of derogatory remarks, no siree.  Really, how uncouth.  I'm so happy I'm above that sort of thing.  Yep, pure as the driven snow, that's me.

I think I just discovered "saying" words now is the same as "typing" words on your keyboard.  I must admit I have written a be kind, let's say "sarcastic" remarks on my keyboard.  My camera is working fine, but my computer stopped computin' last weekend.  Somewhere on the computer's menu I've seen the term "hibernation," but this wasn't hibernation; this was terminal work stoppage.

Never, never have I considered myself an over committed "user."  No siree, not me.  I feel sorry for those poor dopes who are tied to their computers - I mean don't they have a life.  Come on folks, get with it.  You people need to get out into the real world; you know, shed your pool room tan; get with the crowd; enjoy life.

Uh, I believe I should change my tune.  Since my Dell let me down for the last six days, I have discovered I need not be so critical of the "users."  I'm beginning to see the light.  Yes, there is a trace of a dim glow rising in my pea-brained consciousness.  I once believed "user" was the appropriate title for people as dependent on their computers as druggies on crack.  Addiction seemed their common dependency.  However this last week has given me a whole new perspective.  Yes, I have definitely modified my opinion.

It started the morning after my friendly computer decided to take a vacation.  As Gal Friday readied for the day, as usual I wheeled over to my desk to check news and emails.  Refusing to accommodate me, my now not-so-friendly computer reminded me it had taken a well-deserved time off.  Hmm, I wondered, "How do I fill up this empty time?"  I turned on the TV to learn of the day's news.  That didn't last long because I detest commercials and most TV programming is advertising for everything from cars to condoms.  Next I opened a novel by Nelson DeMille I've been itching to read...for the last two months.  After a couple of short chapters, I pondered, "What have I been doing with these morning hours?"

Next came the first meal of the day.  After breakfast, I attempted my initial daily project - brushing my teeth.  Observing me trying to brush my teeth is hysterical.  I've often thought about charging people to watch.  Once the word got around about the laugh-a-minute procedure, I know I could reap a small fortune.  Because my hands and arms are so dysfunctional, I end up polishing my eyeballs or cleaning my ears.

After the decay-preventive laugh, I again wheeled over to you-know-what.  Again the monitor stared blankly at me and again I remembered how accustomed I had become to doing this.  I made some phone calls I had been planning to make...for the last few months.  Gee, you really have some time to do the things you need or want to do when you're not computin'.

After lunch my chariot, on its own accord, headed for my computer, but this time I forcibly stopped it.  "No, no, big fella," I clamored.  "No emailing, facebooking, blogging, googling, etc. today."  But then I realized this was false bravado.  I faced my moment of truth - I missed my computer.  Sweat began its slow trickle down my spine.  I felt perspiration on my brow as I watched my hands quivering from lack of keyboard.  I resembled an addict in withdrawal.  How could I possibly fill in the remaining hours of the day?  What could I do to consume the waiting ticks of the clock?  That's when I knew...I was computer dependent.  Oh, God, how could I have sunk this low?

Frantically I called to Gal Friday.  When she appeared, I desperately tried to act composed, but she saw right through the pretense.  In fact she thought I was in cardiac arrest once again, but we calmed each other and then I asked my sweet angel (I always refer to her in that manner when I need something done) to "fix" my computer.  I begged and pleaded my case.  I shouted, "These damn things are smarter than man; they have a mind of their own!"  Gal Friday once again and as usual, displayed her superior intellect with, "No, Edward, if they were smarter than us; they would be the users and we would be the computers."  Kinda hard to argue that logic.

Well, suffice it to say, after the purchase of a new monitor, my nerves have eased; my sense of order has returned...I'm back on line.

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